Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Same post same

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes