Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
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When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.