Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
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Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Canada has crack?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people