Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
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35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
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I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known