Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
phew
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips