Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain