Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20