Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

In banana years, I am bread.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Science memes

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

wishing you and yours all the best

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.