“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
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Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
eggs benadryl
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station