If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
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The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”