Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.