Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

journal

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Hard not to take this personally

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza