Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
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Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Sorry. Not sorry
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
*launders Kohls cash*
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
こいつ天才
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.