Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

I’m too immature for adultery.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.