Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal