Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
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Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
A friend sent me this.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997