Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
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“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.