Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

prepare for carbonated trouble

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*