Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

RT if you know someone like this!!!

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you