Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
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Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.