Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.