@Hobo_Splendido

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

@Nobody09049097

if i got back all the money i spent on liquor i would have enough to buy a huge amount of liquor all at once

@SnarkyMommy78

3 only answers to the name Ana (from Frozen) and before that she’d only answer to Sophia (from Sophia the First) and before that it was Peppa and it’s totally cool cause it’s not like it took my husband and I nine excruciating months to agree on a name or anything

@Bwomono

My mom has a habit of replying my texts with NOTED
Me:I love you
Mom: NOTED

Me:Rebels have come and abducted your husband
Mom: NOTED

@sincir3000

why do people with two hands order drinks one at a time?

@RobynPorteous

Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
But NO.
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.