My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
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if i got back all the money i spent on liquor i would have enough to buy a huge amount of liquor all at once
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
3 only answers to the name Ana (from Frozen) and before that she’d only answer to Sophia (from Sophia the First) and before that it was Peppa and it’s totally cool cause it’s not like it took my husband and I nine excruciating months to agree on a name or anything
My mom has a habit of replying my texts with NOTED
Me:I love you
Me:Rebels have come and abducted your husband
why do people with two hands order drinks one at a time?
Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.