Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
You Might Also Like
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”