Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

me when the borders lift

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*