Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
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*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Good morning
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.