Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

I gave up going to work for lent.

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

Can Happiness buy money?

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

Cop lights are so pretty at night

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

Hmm, not sure about this change

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.