Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

This one’s “Alex”.