Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.