Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

don’t we all

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

they really do be looking like this

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them