Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
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ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room