me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
buying dead houseplants to save time
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.