Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Expect the unexporcupine.

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*