“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
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It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Everyone’s family
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.