Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
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When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Bootstraps
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?