Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
You Might Also Like
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much