Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
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somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…