Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
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Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.