Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up