Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
“you look easy to draw”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
We’ve all been there…
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons