sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
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*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
🤭😂
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.