Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

At Walmart during the holidays like..

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.