Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok