Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

*feels the wind in my toe hair

black phone good

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.