Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
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Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.