Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
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gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I put the hot in psychotic.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
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“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.