“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
