“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
