“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
You Might Also Like
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.