“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.