“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
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Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*