@letsgomathias

Sorry were you talking shit about New York

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@DrakeGatsby

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

@ericsshadow

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

@WheelTod

Virgin Airlines original advertising slogan was “We’re so sorry about that but If you give us a chance we swear it will be better next time”

@eddie_ferrero

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

@TheCatWhisprer

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

@iGreenGod

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

@Skoog

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

@ieatanddrink

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

@pterotactful

poseidon: has anyone seen my trident

zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit