A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*