Sorry were you talking shit about New York

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*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.


Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”


I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.


Me: Am I your only friend?

Imaginary friend: Sure are!

Imaginary friend’s imaginary friend: Wow, I’m right here.


Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.


ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.


My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, “I miss you dad, please take me fishing.” But it keeps coming out like, “Hey, can I have $20 dollars.”