Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
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Got him!
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
*gets down on one knee*
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books