Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.