Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

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Expectation:
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Reality:
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[30 mins later]
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(人＿＿つ_つ

12. I think about this all the damn time

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Oh deer

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.

One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.

The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.