Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

consequences, the bane of my existence

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.