Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.