Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
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[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent