Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
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Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
me in a relationship:
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.