Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

I’d use my best pan on you.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care