“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.