Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

I know karate and tons of other words.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

A lot of folks out there missing the point…