“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
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People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”