Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
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I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I triple waxed for this?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”