Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
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*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
two people or more is called a problem
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
i meant to share this earlier
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit