Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

Breaking news:

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.