Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice