“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Sorry you got offended that I pre-sold tickets to your funeral.
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*she hears me singing in the shower*
Her: oh he’s so cute
*she hears a guitar amp click on and feedback ring out*
Her: NATE NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.
*adds gourmet chef to resume
*replies to all sexy dms with pics of my laundry pile
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom
Wife: Oh, the kids will love that!
Realtor: It’s not that kind of playroom
Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.