Sorry you got offended that I pre-sold tickets to your funeral.

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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.


*she hears me singing in the shower*

Her: oh he’s so cute

*she hears a guitar amp click on and feedback ring out*



My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.

*adds gourmet chef to resume


My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…


Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom

Wife: Oh, the kids will love that!

Realtor: It’s not that kind of playroom

Husband: Nice


Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?


Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?


Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*


MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.



ME: Mocktopus.