@undonestar

Sorry you got offended that I pre-sold tickets to your funeral.

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@ShaeAaron

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

@thenatewolf

*she hears me singing in the shower*

Her: oh he’s so cute

*she hears a guitar amp click on and feedback ring out*

Her: NATE NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@inmyimage007

My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.

*adds gourmet chef to resume

@fixyourcompass

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

@phalguy

Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom

Wife: Oh, the kids will love that!

Realtor: It’s not that kind of playroom

Husband: Nice

@SoldHerSoul

Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

@abbycohenwl

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

@TheAndrewNadeau

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.