The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
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dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.