Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?