Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager