sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol