Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

every man in east london

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.