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Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.