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Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
? 💀
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.