Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

hardest line in real life

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

All set.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

Does beer think about me too?

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….