Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
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Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”