Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
You Might Also Like
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
sry
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.