Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

Huge if true.

At an art museum and I thought this was art

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt