Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

me and who

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

🤣🤣🤣

#Caturday