Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

it’s not been my year

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

I just love that new Pope smell.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

Nice try, NASA

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.