Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

Me in tagged photos

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Day 2 of my diet

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.